on your porch...

i have alot to say...but can't think of anything right now... i signed in to talk to myself...which is all i do here..so i guess its what i wanted -ish... i don't even know what i want to say to myself...i guess its really all about this new semi realistic opportunity i have...i don't like to get too into anything...cause let's be real..it's never real and always ends up hurting me.. but if this is real...i'm terrified and so excited... i mean i want so many conflicting things..but...i have to do this... if it's real...which i don't believe... is that smart or stupid? it's  a chance...i have to take so as soon as it becomes real...i have to. it's scaring me to death... and i just realized the two most important things in my life are the two things that scare me to death...love and survival...is that the right word? survival? im not sure...i was a spoiled kid ..always had someone to take care of me til i didn't..and i had to..and i've managed to..and i have to say i haven't been terrible at it...but yeah, let's be real...i wish i was like  that princess that gets everything she wants and when she wants..can we retract that? can i give up that pair of jeans for the awesome job i want? i feel like i may have used up all the - here ya go- when i was 12 ...it didn't really matter then...i kind of wish i had it now..but if i did ..would i be that girl i hate? i don't know...i mean really...i can imagine as well as anyone..probably better..but really who knows who any one would be with one simple change...one moment...its scary...im drunklike... so regardless.. i called...nevermind regardless... i hate when i don't feel anything and i hate when i do...